Dearest H,
Me again. I hope you like my letters. I hope you get them and they keep you in touch in just a small way. Despite hearing nothing from you for two years I have to believe that one day we will rebuild a lovely strong relationship like your Mum had with her father and like many of your friends have with theirs.
That dream was dealt another blow this week. The Court has delayed the hearing until October or perhaps later. I don't know when yet. Not sure how that is for you but for me it means another lost summer with no chance of seeing you.
It occurs to me it does not have to be like this. I'm sure you know but if you don't please talk with Mummy on this. Mummy and I have both been interviewed by CAFCASS the Court services to find out our views about visits, holidays and contact. you will be interviewed too or might already have been.
I was interviewed a few weeks ago and informed Mummy is "happy for you to to see me if it what you want!" I also know that you have told at least one of your old friends you want to see me which when I heard this news filled my heart with joy.
So if you want to see me all you have to do is tell Mummy and we can arrange it. Even if it only once or for a few minutes Why not? Any journey starts with a first step. You never know we might like it and want to meet more.
At least then when you meet the court service people yourself you tell them what you want.
Two years ago you told me you never wanted to see me again I hope that now you are old enough to see that we often say things we don't mean or that we meant at the time in the moment when we are hurting inside.
Remember you told me you never wanted to go to University You thought University was the City at the end of the Universe. No wonder you never wanted to go. Now you may feel differently and may be open to explore different universities.
Why is this so important? why do I want so much to see you? Until you have children of your own, you will probably not totally understand. That is a long time away and to wait until then would be such a waste of time and our lives. All I can say is that to love someone so unconditionally as i do it feels like a part of me has been lost.
I am still away in Oman working for HE. This weekend we went diving. on the boat on the journey out to the islands we were diving; we discovered a pod of over 100 dolphins. they were circling , jumping in the air and splashing down on the surface. They were chasing a big shoal of fish and keeping the shoal together by herding them like sheep dogs. it was the most incredible sight and so wonderful to watch. Do you remember Whale Watching in Vancouver? well it was like that but all around us for maybe 400 metres in every direction.I have taken a video and will try and send it on my return to the UK.
Later, diving I was marvelling at the beautiful fish, coral, turtles and had a big realisation that in March you will be 12! Yes so? Well at 12 you will be old enough to learn to dive and come diving with me. Mummy is also a diver so you her could also go diving together.
if I never see you again or not until you are much older just think of all those experiences we could have had; holidays we might have been on; adventures we would have shared. you might say so what you and mummy could do it and you don't need me. You are right of course. You and Mummy could do all these things . But mummy and I are different. As such we will want to do different things with you. If you only do stuff with mummy you only get one view of the World. Add Aunt and Uncle and you will get another view which is good. Add me too and you have even more opportunity to experience different things more opportunity and variety and that has got to be good to broaden your thinking and growth.
Think also about your school trip. A chance for some time away, a break with routine, school , bedtimes etc. For Mummy a chance also for a break and an opportunity to see friends go out etc.
Many friends who are divorced have talked to me about how hard it is being a single parent. They tell me it is relentless. No breaks when you can have time out for yourself. Remember when at weekends i took you to ballet classes and to swimming and to Sainsburys for the weekly shop. Those were the times I got time with you after a week away with work and for us to catch up. It was such a special time for me to re connect and have you all to myself. For Mummy it was the chance for a lie in or to do something for herself. A chance to recharge her batteries after a long week of looking after you alone. She has lost those times now. no break, no time off for good behaviour, no time for grownup company. we are no longer sharing the joy and challenge of bringing you up. This is not what i want or desire. I have always wanted to be there for young be a full part of your life. I am sure this situation is not what Mum wanted or imagined when we had you either.
I can never be there at all times now. Mummy and i are divorced and we have different and separate lives. I can be there for you at weekends and holidays. When Mummy and i first separated we agreed how we would share the challenges of bringing you up and signed an agreement. Unfortunately for whatever reason I have been prevented from contributing to your growth, development and having a life with you.
What is most sad for me is that as you grow older typically you will be doing more with friends and will want to spend less time with Mummy and me. this is normal but it means these last years have been most precious and have been lost forever.
I dream of times when we can be together doing exciting and fun things. New things in new places and new experiences.
Imagine what life would be like if it was perfect? What would you be doing? where would you be travelling? Who with? By having both mummy and i in your life would these things be more of less likely to happen?
You will be interviewed soon the people will ask you what you really want and then report back their findings to the Judge so he can make a decision. Ultimately it is supposed to be your wishes that mummy and I must respect.
I have asked to be allowed to see you for as long or as short a time as you want. I have told the court that one weekend a month would be good but I would prefer more often but that is probably not practical with all the other things you are involved in at weekends.
I have also asked to have you for a week at Christmas and Easter and at least two weeks of Summer so we can go on holiday too. This all adds up to 52 days of the year or 7.5 weeks. Is that too much to ask?
I would love to have more time but am not sure that would ever be acceptable to you Mum. What do you think , is this fair? Is it acceptable to you? If not what would you feel is better for you? what would you really like?
I have sent a few photos so you can see what I have been up to and to try and keep connected. A picture speaks a thousand words!
I love you so very much. Keep happy Live life to the full
Always Daddy xxx
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