Dear L,
Thank you for your letter of 27th July 09 updating me on H and her progress. I also received her School report which I thought was excellent given the circumstances and upset we have caused her through our ‘disgraceful behaviour and failure as parents’ to quote the Judge. I am particularly pleased she is getting to go to concerts and enjoy being a teenager despite the restrictions placed on her by her circumstances.
I have also received your letter of 2nd August 09. In which you tell me of H’s imminent removal from School. You suggest this is down to my failure to pay maintenance since June 09.
L perhaps it is only fair I give you an explanation if only to show H as the letter you wrote was clearly for her and the CSA.
Despite what you told H and our friends you and I know the following facts.
You took my family inheritance which including the CRV bought for you after separation came to 90k.
You emptied the joint account over a period of time into other personal accounts in preparation for the rainy day we both knew was coming (who knows what that was in real terms);
You received from me over 70k after tax in maintenance and contribution to school fees between 2005 and 2009;
You received the family home and the flat. (total estimated value in excess of £800k) plus almost all their contents in a financial settlement in 2007.
You overdrew the Joint account deliberately after it was supposedly closed netting a further £850
You deliberately failed to pay mortgage and council tax arrears knowing I was jointly liable and in doing so destroyed my credit rating and ability to borrow.
I had to fund this to avoid the bailiffs.
Additionally you deliberately tried and succeeded in breaking up the business that funded all of the above and by your actions significantly affected my ability to work and long term health. It is a surprise given all this money and the capital assets you possess and can borrow against you would need to come back for another feed on the kill. The carcass has long since been picked clean.
You plead poverty in your letter and tell me that it is my defaulting that is forcing H into a failing School. Let us again look at the facts.
You have it all L.
Instead of the £300 quick, amicable divorce I set out in Jan 2005, you must have spent over 150k on legal fees over 4 years, (Unless God forbid the rumours are true and you are the reason for your solicitors divorce and got a good deal...ironic if true!)
I spent almost £100k and lost time /opportunity cost of probably another £50k. That is in real terms £300k wasted; enough to fund H through school and Uni and put her in her own flat. Was it worth it ?
Your comments on schools is a cheap shot, very transparent and beneath you. Firstly, I know H gets a scholarship / bursary.
Secondly, you have never consulted me on schools before and have gone so far as completely ignore my wishes when choosing a school for H, so why ask me to put my signature on one now. Want me to be the scape goat to blame perhaps? Will this help reinforce the image you have portrayed to our daughter. Shame on you!
You might remember I bought the flat in _ purely to ensure we were in the catchment area for two great schools. You suggest that is no longer an option or is it? If Harri is in the catchment for X she must be for Y and certainly has the academics.
Now on to the credit crunch. You might be protected from it working for the ** but I am not. You will find *** are the hardest hit areas. No longer is the company the cash generator it once was when it employed 8 people. It is just me , and I have done very little work over the last 12 months in part because no one is buying due to the economic climate and due to my much reduced performance state. Most of the work I have done is subcontracted and at a lower associate rate. The remainder is from long established relationships where the client has approached me.
Because I own a company I cannot sign on even though the amount I have earned this financial year would not cover your Louis Vuitton habit for a week. I have £500k of borrowing and cannot borrow any more. The last payments to you were more than I earned in the first quarter so it was not and is not sustainable. I dearly wish it was different and I could provide better for my daughter. Knowing that I would not ever be in the earning position I once was before we broke up was a key factor in my decision to cede you the house and all the assets.
Here is the ironic bit, you have done me a great favour. You cured me of my achievement drive, dependency and desperate desire to please you like the Labrador I was. Leaving every material thing behind and starting again has been positive. It has made me value what I have and realise how little I need to be happy. You on the other hand are left with memories in every item you see around you. That must be hard and may in part be why we seem to be in very different places. I was watching Hillary Clintons faux pas in Congo today and I suppose you and I are so like the Clintons in character. Neither all good nor all bad. Human and fallible! For what it is worth, I am truly sorry for my part in all this pain. I cannot change the past but wish we could influence the future for H’s sake better than we are.
Apart from the huge pain and gap that is the loss of H in my life (and the good parts of our life together) , I am happy, am more in-touch with who I am , with nature, with what is important in life . So despite and probably because of your intent to break me, you have actually made me a better, stronger, more loving and calmer person. Thank you. I don’t hate you as you believe, I am no longer angry with you, I am sad for you. My only wish is you could see yourself as others see you and do the right thing if not for yourself then for H. What will she say the day she puts two and two together and realises what went on? The people I know feel that she will turn on you and you will lose her. They say that what goes around comes around. For what it is worth, I wouldn’t wish that on someone I loved and shared many happy years with. Where did it all go so badly wrong? I sometimes imagine us showing H how adults should act. Being in the same room, being able to speak warmly, laugh! See her going down the aisle knowing we did our best. Yes still the dreamer wishing for some imagined utopia. Somethings don’t change.
So L, to conclude, you and H have had all the financial benefit I can give intentionally through the financial settlement or unintentionally through your less than ethical actions. I would love to help and I never would want H to suffer. But to be fair I think you have enough capital to survive and prosper. You certainly have the financial acumen and nouse! If not there is always sugardaddie.com to fall back on. You have everything we jointly worked for which I gave during my breakdown on the basis that it was H’s ultimately and why not now instead of when I die. At the time that did not seem to be that far away anyway. You have held a gun to my head for years whilst holding the carrot of contact. That all finished with the court decision. Your threats and bullying no longer hold any fear. H will not go to M or anywhere else that fails to meet your standards. We both know that this letter was an idle threat.
I have given up trying to reason with you or to understand you. I have given up expecting you to act with integrity. I hope despite the squeeze you are finding solice and atonement working for the (employer) and that you are able to find a solution to your problems. I remain hopeful that the sensor will allow H to see my letters when I write and that over time you thaw in your hatred and find love again. I will comply with the CSA because I have no choice.
Fond regards
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This is the letter this responded to
2 August 2009
Dear G,
I believe you may have been misinformed regarding H's school fees. H does not have a scholarship from (school) I am responsible to the school for both H's fees and those things regarded as extras. Extras include educational trips (eg to the theatre) music theory, singing lessons and lunch. Your refusal to offer any financial support since April has put her school place and her continuing musical education in jeopardy.
Since you have not responded to my original letter in June, I thought I should give you a clear indication of the most likely outcome of your decision.
You gave me no indication that you were not going to honour our divorce agreement or the Court order to pay maintenance for H. I did not know you would refuse to acknowledge my June letter. Therefore, I have had to approach the schools in the area with a view to H joining one of them in September. M school is the nearest and the year group is full. I have H name on their waiting list. In addition, both you and I are legally responsible for ensuring that H attends school.
Therefore i have had to approach (X High School, which can offer h a place in year 9 this September. I have enclosed their prospectus and application form for you. You can also look the school up on the internet. You should know it is a failing school. Its performance is so poor that it has been re-designated as an Academy from september onwards. There is a similar school in (Location) which can also offer H a place. It is called A school.
Would you please look at both A school and X school and let me know in writing which school you would prefer H to attend. I have already enclosed the application for X school but i have yet to receive the forms from A. If you would prefer H to go to A, please collect the necessary forms and sign and return them to me.
You must understand that my responsibilities to H are enormous. i do not only feed and clothe her, but I support her musical education too. H has successfully taken four piano exams to date, representing hours of dedicated practise and an immeasurable investment from her in aspirations for the future. Her piano lessons are only part of the cost. H needs additional practical books, sight reading books and set exam piece books Each music exam has an entrance fee.
Harriet needs music theory at grade 5 in order to pursue any instrument (including voice) up to or past Grade 6 She was planning to take her grade 5 singing exam in the Autumn and has worked steadily for this for the last 12 months. If you will not help her, she will not be able to have lessons (since these are extra at school) The exam fe will also be extra.
Music theory costs extra and requires practice papers and answer books. Each grade has an exam fee. You can look this up on the internet.
Without the above - theory is essential for singing and piano to continue, H will never be able to read music as part of a degree course. You will be effectively closing down that door for her forever.
H has already stopped attending choir, guitar maths, swimming and synchronised swimming lessons.
H has asked me if she could take Drama exams starting in Autumn and she would like to pursue Dif E scheme when she is 14. i said that she could do both. These are extras at school. Clearly, if she is not at the school she will not be able to pursue either of them.
As you know h has orthodontic treatment for her teeth. i was recently asked to consider a private option, but i had to refuse, since this would be several thousand pounds.
Over the last few years, I have written many letters to you describing H's musical achievements. Music is a huge part of her life and personality. She is a very able student. It may be that music could be a university option for her. For some years now, I have given you credit for supporting H's musical learning. All the monies you have paid have paid for the extra curricular lessons and some of her food and clothing so that I could pay her school fees. i have enclosed some literature about her music so you can see what it entails. You can also look it up on line.
However, mathematics continues to prove a psychological challenge and there is no doubt that she would benefit from returning to her previous tutor. this tutor costs £151.20 for 8 sessions She is CRNB cleared home tutor.
Unfortunately, I do not earn enough to pay for all of the above plus school fees. You must remember that I must also pay for H's travel, food, heating, hot water, toiletries, shoes school uniform, presents and books etc. (she loves to read) She is one of very few children at school who has not travelled overseas with the school this year. Nor will she for the foreseeable future.
I do not want to take any further court action and H really will be devastated if she has to leave School. I know you would like to see her achieve a degree, but moving er to either of the only 2 schools that have a vacancy for her will destroy everything she has worked so hard to achieve. H's life will be blighted irreversibly.
I hope you look at both of the schools i have mentioned( and any other you can find a place for her in) and understand what a huge damage this will do please let me know which school you have chosen, or re-instate your payments so that her little life can continue with as little disruption as possible.
Kind regards
L
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