Today was your sports day. I wasn't there and am sad about that. I am working in New York and away for three whole weeks. I will not therefore be there for speech day either.
I am hoping that you will be recognised for your hardworking and all you have achieved despite all you have had to deal with. I was always sad as a child that my Mother could not see me on those special days. I was more disappointed my Dad never came either I took it that he was disinterested in what I did. Maybe he was just too busy and couldn't I wish he had said either way. We judge others by their actions not intent or stuff unsaid and hence this note. I promised you when you were born i would never do that to you and that i would come to as many of your special days as was humanly possible.
At the moment i am missing out on all these celebrations and special days. I so wish it were not so. I know over time you will only remember the fact i was not there and not the reasons why. By writing this maybe you will one day know that it is not that easy to fulfil promises. For example to be at a special day you need to know about it. If you only find out later or too late in the day it is impossible to make amends. Needless to say communication at the moment is limited and I wish it were different.
When I saw you at Nigel's and we went swimming with the girls and I discovered you had completed Grade 2 singing and been to a couple of competitions and displays I was so so upset i had not known Add to that the fact I am missing your last week at School must make you feel abandoned and unloved and that is so far from the truth. Actually to you it is the truth Your dad is not around and not talking to you. If only you knew the sad reality of the desperate battle being played out for your love. At such an awful cost.
If things were different and Mummy and i were focused on you and your future things would be very different and much better for everyone. I hope once all the bitterness and recriminations overweight can reestablish an open and honest relationship where we put you first and can attend, support and cheer you on together. where we can both be there for you as you grow up.
Yesterday I was due to go to court to discuss who should have custody and to agree on contact. I am past the point where I can or will battle with Mummy. As you know only too well it is a battle one never wins. I agreed that you should live with her as you are now. Why? simple she is as you have often pointed out a much better cook and more importantly and seriously you need each other. Just as growing up i needed a Dad you need your cumin a way only a girl can. I would argue strongly, that you also need a dad too and that each parent brings and gives something different. That is why regular contact and time together is important. I hope that by being reasonable I can persuade Mum to allow us more time together and she will let me see you on a regular basis. I have requested twice a week and every other weekend plus holidays. We will see but I am not hopeful given the pattern of contact so far.
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