Another Christmas

It is December 2024 and I am feeling the black dog arrive as yet again I reflect on another Christmas without seeing or hearing anything from you. You have your reasons I guess. Although 20 years on from the last Christmas we spent together it still hurts like it was yesterday. Despite all the spin and propaganda I hope you know I was asked to leave by your mother. Ask yourself why anyone would spend 5 years and hundreds of thousands to keep contact?.

I am not good to be around at this time of year and typically try to avoid people even those I love dearly as it is not fair to them

The best company when I am like this is Ruby. She just gets it. My own Piglet from the Tao of Pooh. I am in awe of this little therapy dog. Everyone with PTSD or SAD should have a working cocker spaniel to raise their spirits . She just sits by my side staring at the water or into the distance occasionally looking up to check in and reassure me she is there and has got me. When I am in this mood she never leaves my side

Not unlike you and I when we used to sit for hours and watch Little Mermaid , Anastasia or some other such story that we might share a tear over for no obvious reason

I loved Christmas when you were born and it finally made some sense. Not my own best childhood memories but when you arrived making sure you had special memories was a privilege. I loved watching you open your presents and laughing at the delight on your face as Delilah would enjoy the empty boxes as much as you did the contents.

The fun decorating the tree with you, leaving reindeer prints in icing and half eaten mince pies for you to discover seeing the joy of discovering Father Christmas had been. Do you remember having the Prisoner of Azkaban arrive before breakfast one Christmas and spending the day together reading it from cover to cover tucked up in bed with Mum and I taking turns reading each chapter to you?

Priceless memories of wonderful times. I hope you were able to continue to love Christmas after I was gone. I was not and now it is a void. I am stuck reliving those 8 precious Christmas years with you.

I wonder whether your love of music still persists. One Christmas we bought you a Yamaha keyboard What a joy that brought me in return. You could hear a song in the car on our way back from School and come in and play it perfectly on return home. I still marvel at that unique skill you had. I do hope your love of music continues

I still have some of your Christmas presents wrapped up here Returned to sender or rejected un opened. I guess without you ever seeing them. How many others did you never get The silver Hare? The Camera? One day I hope you will have them and perhaps understand how much you have always meant to me.

I reflect that at 28 now you might have children of your own. If so perhaps now you will understand the unconditional love a parent has for their child and that nothing can ever change it.

Every Christmas I set you a place at the table. me a stupid old man but still have a vain hope that one day you will just turn up and join us for Christmas. Every year I reflect on where you might be. Hope you are happy and well and wish you the best life can offer you.

You will always have a home here and a huge piece of my heart.