Following court. August 2010

6 August 2010

Dear L

Firstly, I apologise for my abrupt departure from court yesterday. I said I hoped this was the end of the matter and sincerely hope we can now rebuild what remains of our lives.. Hmeans so much to both of us that for her sake, please can this be an end to this war once and for all.

Whether you believe it or not there is no trick or deceipt. I am paying the correct amount to the CSA and continue to pay weekly. I cannot say whether the monies are getting to you. If one earns less than £2055 per month they are not required to pay anything. I am earning less than that but still choose to pay. I had one day of work in August and three days in July at £500 per day. I cannot sign on as I run a business. I cannot get child maintenance, single family tax credit like you or even housing allowance as I ‘own’ my own home. What income I have goes to pay interest only mortgage. I now have a CCJ on my credit rating meaning I cannot get any further credit. It stays on for 6 years even if I get a certificate of release. So you have stitched my up well and truly like a kipper. Or perhaps I have brought it on my self by sticking to the promise I made you. More fool me.

I have paid the arrears of maintenance, thanks to the Inland revenue who returned £9,000 to me for tax paid on account. As I earned so little I got a refund of tax paid in advance last year as required of a Ltd company.

I hope the enclosed are self explanatory and you will do the right thing and sign and return them to the Court and Land registry. You have won a pyrric but total victory L. I hope you will now do the honourable thing and complete and send the forms to the Court and Land Registry. See it as countersigning the surrender document.

Finally, thankyou for your last letter. It was full of facts about what I already know from her report. It was laced with unspoken stuff about external exams ending etc. It was your choice to stop all contact with H and I cannot change that. I will never understand why you are so sure that is in her best interests and must hope that one day she seeks me out of her own accord. I will not ever turn up or visit so it is up to you whether you continue to do as the court requested by writing. If you do then I hope that you will make the letters more real, to write them as you would a novel or a piece of creative writing. You have a talent that is special. It is therefore sad to read ; if you will forgive me ‘patronizing spin designed to say nothing. You are better than that L. Either give me some joy once a quarter to know how our daughter is. Give me some clue as to what she likes, clothes sizes etc so I have the slightest chance of meaningful dialogue with her in my letters and some chance of presents that are valued. If that is a step too far then I’d rather you stopped the pretence and not write at all as it is below you.

Rest assured you are both safe and have nothing to fear from me. Despite your best efforts to persuade the Police and the court I am dangerous you and I both know that I am a coward and have spent my life running away and avoiding stuff that was painful. I am trying to address this and I have to thank you for that. You have made me a better person for all of this. I have learned what is important and what is not.

You have opened my eyes to so many things and helped me explore the darkest recesses of my mind and soul. Stuff I know you tried to do when we were married but could not as you were part of the problem. I come away from all of this more honest, more real, more open and more trustworthy as I now respect myself more and so can respect others; but so much sadder when I look at the cost. I feel for you and H and for the hurt I have caused you both and am truly sorry.

I hope you have moved on with your life and have a better happier life than the one we had. For me you were unlike anyone I had ever met, extraordinary and special in so many ways. I hope H has inherited all that is good in you and what was good in me and she is not victim to the demons we both suffer /ed , the legacy of our parents.

L for H’s sake do not become permanently bitter like (your mother) was. You have won. I have gone. I will not return . Let this be an end to the addiction with conflict we both seem to be victim to.

L I wish you well. One day I hope you will tell H some of the good things you loved about her Dad. Neither of us was without sin in our marriage. We both caused each other much pain. Neither of us deliberately. I tried to forgive you for the affair with Andy P; for the affair with Jim P but to live with him in our lives for 10 years was difficult. I still remember watching you two in the pub in Clifton after I came back from the Gulf. I knew then what was going on. I just didn’t want to lose you. I never wanted to lose you which is why I stayed. Many people we knew have commented on how you used to talk to me and treat me like dirt. I never realized how obvious it was to others and thought it was my imagination.

Whatever we had we lost it. We were bad for each other in the end if the truth be told. I was more and more unhappy and I think forced you in to the position of asking for a divorce by my behavior, as I did not have the courage to do so myself. I think I always knew it would end like this. Maybe we are not in charge of our destiny.

H was the one thing that kept us happy and joyful and grounded. She will always be our greatest success and our biggest failure. I pray you are right about keeping her out of my life. If your sole reason was to deny a father his only child out of bitterness and vengeance, then I know where this letter and the attachments will end up. If the woman I loved and married 22 years ago almost to the day still exists today, I hope she is able to see through the pain and do the right thing.