I taught you all the wrong things.

Sharing my thoughts with the beautiful and wise Ruby our dog, the sage.

We are remembering her first day at her ‘forever’ home.

Why is forever hard to right?!

Nothing is forever. Life is fleeting like the clouds.

There and gone. Replaced by blue skies, sunshine and happier days.

At least they should be, once the storm has passed and the destruction repaired.

Yet the repairs are superficial. Paper over the cracks.

A lacquer over an old wound that continues to fester, to go deeper. Pain may become chronic and less acute, but grief never eases up. You just learn to live with it like a shadow.

On the other hand what does not kill us makes us stronger right? Wasi Sabi is all about finding beauty in old /broken things even emphasising the breaks and creating something new Right?

Ruby nests in my lap. Happy and proud and content. Giving comfort and company when i most need it

A matriarch enjoying her time in the sun.

Sensing, seeing and sharing her teachings with those naïve souls about her.

Today I discovered, through the best of brownies, a new found ability to communicate with my four legged Yoda. Or more accurately her with me. The discovery has been painful. I have just been given some tough love by wise Ruby. -I taught you all the wrong things.

In my own insecurity, I taught you survival, to be tough; to put on a brave face; to not be beaten. I knew these things would be essential for you to survive the world outside.

I taught you to reject; to distance; to close down; to protect yourself; to run.

I taught you to dry your tears and carry on even when screaming inside.

To never show weakness, fear or favour.

I taught you to be independent.

If only life had intervened and stopped me.

Then again perhaps it did.

Life teaches us that contentment comes from sharing, opening up, being real, speaking truth and giving even when you want it all for yourself.

It is realising that we give and in return receive so much more in return.

Joy, fulfilment, inner peace, and ultimately tranquillity are the reward.

Or we would, if we were not always shadowed by this ghost of the past.

The child you are inside. The child you unconditionally loved and do still to this day. The apple of your eye; the moment of truth; the messiah! The rebirth of all that is good.

The great reset- a new beginning.

A chance to love, be loved, to be needed and wanted.

Yet you fuck it up. You fail to understand that we are all interdependent and you-we-are not alone.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

In your case an immovable object stirred up a storm of unconscionable proportions.

Destroying lives or changing them forever. That word again.

Nothing is forever. I hope that, like me, you will learn to be interdependent and learn to trust; to share; to be open to new ideas, to forgive, to be open to healing old wounds. But most of all learn and practice being happy.

GM

3/7/22

Unfinished