7 March 1996
Dearest H,
It is now four days since you were born and at last, I am able to sit down and write the letter I have been wanting to write to you since the first day I knew I would be a Dad. I have left it until now because of the fear that I might be tempting fate and something would happen to dash our hopes. In fact, after nine months of hoping and praying and mounting excitement, I still cannot quite believe you are here and that we were clever enough to make you. People say that proud parents always think their child is the most beautiful creature in the world even if the infant is seriously ugly! Speaking as a totally impartial and awe-struck Father but also as an observer of others reactions to you, I can honestly say that you Harriet are the most beautiful baby in the world. I cannot help notice other mothers, midwives and hospital staff reaction to you in the Hospital. They all marvel at your thick head of hair, big blue eyes and exquisite, long fingers. Your maturity and striking looks makes it easy to spot you among the other babies in the ward nursery. Something I know that will continue to happen throughout your life as you are indeed very special.
___________________________
You are now exactly eight weeks old. I stopped writing this letter to you after the first paragraph because I was drowning the keyboard with tears, couldn’t see the screen and was in danger of electrocuting myself!
My God I am only 32, a dad for 2 months and an emotional wreck already! Ho hum, they are not the first tears and will not be the last I shall shed over the next months and years as I watch you grow up.
I have not yet explained why I am writing this letter to you and why you have not been given it until now. The reasons are many and complex or perhaps, few and simple, that is for you to judge. Most of my reasons lie back in my own childhood and relate to many questions I had that remained unanswered even today. These questions range from the simple ones like where was I born? what time? Etc, through to what was life like for my parents before I arrived? and why are my parents like they are and why do they react to me in this way? Heavy! I know perhaps I am going a bit deep - put it down to hormones!
Hopefully all you read in this letter you will know already but, without being morose or melodramatic, perhaps for whatever reason I never get the chance to answer all your questions, at least this is something to hold on to. Life is unpredictable and you never know what is around the corner. I know from experiences in my past and from those of friends that I might not be there for you at this critical time in your life to provide the support and love that is your right. I also know that I might not ever get the opportunity to give you this because you don’t make it to this day. A horrible thought for any father but, one that is an everyday reality for many.
Before I drown the key board again I must move on. My hope is that on this your fifteenth birthday I have given this to you with a hug and a kiss and all the love that is inside me today as I write.
Why now? you are asking. Well originally I planned to give you this letter on your 18th or 21st Birthday as a sort of going away present -a helpful toolkit with which to position the past and help you shape your own future knowing that we would be there for you if you needed us. I then decided that actually the most traumatic time in my life and also in your Mums was now. For it is now that you probably feel most insecure, alone and have the hardest decisions to make that will impact on your whole future. I also thought that at fifteen you would be far more mature than I ever was and would know what is behind this letter and would use it to best advantage. It is also the time when I expect you and I and your Mum and you will be most in conflict and misunderstood. Perhaps this will bring a different perspective to our relationships.
_____________________
New York City 13 July 2005
How sad I am that I am writing this to you now. H you are 9 years old and much has happened since I last added to this letter.
It is a fact that I couldn’t write this letter for years because I would just fill up with tears. Perhaps I knew then subconsciously what would happen and has now come to pass. I am sitting in a hotel overlooking Broadway and facing a billboard advertising Beauty and the Beast. Do you remember seeing it many years ago when we were here visiting Jarrod and Katie. You were so happy you cried “tears of happiness”. Oh how I wish you were in my arms now it would be me who was crying. I have not seen you for more than 12 hours since Easter 2005 (March 23rd to be precise) and it is killing me to be apart from you.
Your story, your mums and my story are complex and go back many generations. I would like to share that story with you so you can judge for your self the path you must follow and the decisions you must make. I know now that despite my best effort and deepest wish I probably will not be there for you when you need the shoulder, love and ear of your Dad. I hope after reading this letter you will know the truth and know that whatever has happened I have always and will always love you unconditionally.
_______________________________________
17th November 2005
Today is a sad day. You are leaving to start a new life in Jersey. I do not know where you are going to be living. I have no address or telephone number for you and I do not know whether I will ever see you again. Despite Mum’s best efforts to stop me seeing you, she has been ordered by the court to give me contact three times between now and January. However based on this years experience and the fact you no longer live in the jurisdiction of England & Wales I do not know whether I will see you until you are old enough to make your own decisions.
I understand from Mum and from the report made after you were interviewed by CAFCASS that you ‘hate me’ and believe that I do not love you. I am so, so sad you feel this way, if of course you do? I can understand you hating me I guess. I have changed your life forever, caused you and mummy great upset and sadness. You have seen and heard things this year that no child should ever experience. I can only say how sorry I am that you have had to witness any of it; be a victim of it and have the memories you do. I wish with all my heart it had been different. I can assure you I did everything humanly possible to minimise the pain and hurt and it is certainly not my wish that you are being uprooted and moved.
As a child I went through similar upset and pain to that you are going through when my mum and dad split up. They fought over who I would live with and how often I should see my other parent because they both loved me equally. I ended up seeing hardly anything of my Mother until I was 13 and made my own decision to visit. My brother, never saw our mum for 26 years. How sad then that we only discovered the truth about my Mum and how much she loved us after both my parents were dead. I can honestly say H, I cried so much when I read what had really happened, realised how I had misjudged, taken sides and been horrible to my Mum after I went to live with my Father. In fact, I was encouraged to be horrible by my step mother and stopped from visiting until old enough to make my own choices. At not an insignificant cost as it turned out. I have thought many times this year that not seeing you is karma and my punishment for the past.
I don’t know how to explain how a parent feels about a child. I suppose you will not know until you too have children. Only then will you really know how much I love you. How much I miss you and how much it hurts to think that you hate me. I hope one day you and I can again talk, laugh and hug.
I will finish now H by saying that I have and always will love you. You will always have a place to call your home wherever I may be. If you need anything or just want to talk you only have to call me. I have no way of contacting you but you know how to get hold of me. God bless, be safe. I am so proud of you ‘little nutbrown hare’, I love you all the way to the moon and back.
Did you ever receive this and all the cards and presents? I suspect not.
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