Doha 8th April 2006
Sitting in a hotel lounge listening to Bach played by three musicians, a pianist a violin and cello. Beautiful! Just starting a drawing for H and not sure what yet. Having an omelet after a long Sunday (working day here in Qatar.)
The day started at 0450 and after breakfast I took a cab to The Four Seasons for three back to back coaching sessions. All prepared well but I was shocked that one had taken to heart so much of our last conversation and had resigned in order to take his family back to Dubai as they were not happy here. Not a sacrifice however as he had landed a job as `Head of Marketing for a big bank at age 29 wow! Not sure if my magic will be appreciated here!!
Got back to the hotel and managed an hour by the pool, an hour and a half in the gym then sauna and shower. Tiring but satisfying especially as I am over 100kg.
My knee is really not up to running and I cannot do the leg press. without extreme pain. So mad I missed my last hospital appointment.
This place is a huge contradiction. Huge opulence amongst a sea of emptiness. Flat desert and calm sea. Lots of reclaimed land ready for building. A huge building site with tower blocks going up everywhere. I have never seen so many cranes in my life.
9 April 2006
2300 Doha Just sent H a text. Doubt she will get it but I have to try to connect with her somehow. Slowly going mad.
Im in a beautiful hotel, the Sheraton. Ive just wandered around the gardens picking flowers to press for Harri’s album and sketching while listening to the quartet(-1) I should be grateful, lucky to be alive and in such a priveledged position but all I feel is so incredibly sad.
Every song/tune reminds me of H. It’s crushing me bit by bit. I cannot find it in my heart to forgive L what she has done. I cannot understand what sort of inhuman being could take a child away and spend every last penny on trying to destroy anything that is left. She must be insane.
I flick between pity, hate and love. There are moments I still care and miss L. I can see now why I never left her sooner. It was never too bad to bear. Despite the rejection as a lover we were good friends. She was a good mother and I could never do to H what was done to me. How ironic that what I tried so hard to avoid has happened. The sins of the father and all that!
I wish I had had the courage to leave earlier so that there would not have been such an impact on H. I suppose I didn’t because I always subconsciously knew that it would end like this. In accrimony and i was a coward.
The pain is too much to bear sometimes. I now know what it is like to contemplate suicide, murder and everything in between. I always said the veneer of civilization is thin, and now I know how precious sanity is.
11 April 2006 UK
Wrote a very long letter to L night before last. Im not sure I will send it. She is as likely to find some phrase to spin in court as reflect on it. What is going on in her head I will never know.
Had an NLP session with Jess Robbins. She put me in a trance state and took me off world!
I came back to 1973! Met myself at 10 years old. I gave'Me' a compass and some words of advice.
Don’t give up – I'll always love you and be there for you- always do the right thing- Tears –said goodbye. Back off world and returned to the future 2026 age 62 met myself again as a happy man, relaxed, fit, lean, smiling, really pleased to see me.
I had a home by the sea, great view, 2 grandchildren (Girl 7 dark hair, Boy 5 blond hair) - with their mum and dad and a dog (yellow Labrador) playing with a ball. Woman 30ish (H? I hope so!)
Left future to return to present – really hard to leave didn’t want to come back – so happy, so healthy so peaceful - same message keep doing the right thing - tears streaming down my face. Felt incredible pain in left knee when coming back to the room also left arm tingling. Jess said this would go and the investigation would find nothing when I go to the specialist. (to be seen)
Incredibly powerful experience and one I really did not expect. Feel lighter and more relaxed. Not exactly care free but much happier in myself. Wow CALMER!
I was asked to rewrite goals What I notice most is no ego! It is gone!
Long term Goals
· Be the fit, healthy happy relaxed 62 year old I have seen – tall lean calm.
· Exercise moderately and regularly
· Eat less, eat healthily
· Let go of anger and just be
· Keep watch over H and support her in what she wishes to be
· Live life to the full, explore, try new things, travel.
· Work in a calmer, smarter more gentler way
· Learn from those around me
· Stop fighting every battle especially those that are not mine to fight.
· Be successful in life, love and family
· Retire at 52
· Die in my sleep having had a good and rewarding life
· Leave a small fortune to those I love to help them achieve their goals
Short term goals
· See H again by year end 06
· Dive the Great Barrier Reef
· Be looking forward to the future
· Hypnosis / NLP/public speaking course
· Drawing class
2007
Move house to be closer to Jersey
Take it slowly learn from the past
Holiday with H in Jersey just walk on the beach
Invite L&H to stay here pay for them to come over (E's barn?) studio session, show, PGL, Climbing course?
Get a dog
Holiday wih H
Take a month off to explore the World.
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