19 June 2009
Dearest H,
I have been avoiding writing to you for what seems like months since the final court hearing. Not because I haven’t wanted to. I have desperately. It is for the simple reason, I don’t quite know what to say. I even asked Paula for advice. I believe she came to see you after it was all over. A part of me believes what I say doesn’t matter as you are unlikely to be given my letters or will throw them away unread. All I would say is we are all fallible and we all make mistakes.
No matter how hard I try and whatever I do I cannot shake off the pain inside that accompanies the realization I have lost you perhaps forever. My long battle through the courts is over and I have failed you more for losing that than I ever did as your father . To know I will never see my beautiful talented girl perform, never be there to share your successes, your birthdays, christmas’ etc; never be there to support you during the tough teenage years will always be my biggest regret and loss. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you or wish things had been different.
The last four years must have been incredibly hard for you to deal with. I understand how you must have resented the intrusion and wished for it all to go away. I am told my visit to the concert in Jersey last year was deeply upsetting for you. For any upset I caused I am so deeply sorry. I will never forget that night seeing you so grown up and singing so beautifully and dealing so well with my unwelcome surprise. I knew then in my heart I would not get another chance to hear you sing so please don’t begrudge me the joy it brought. I hope one day you will understand why I have spent the last four years and everything I have trying to get to see you and to be part of your life. I promise you I will not surprise you again by just turning up out of the blue. One day I hope I will see you again. That day will be on your terms and when you choose.
I made a commitment to the court I would not contact you other than by mail 4 times a year until you are 16. I will stick to that and will write quarterly to let you know my news and thoughts. No more heavy stuff I promise. This year it will be a little closer together ie number 2 in August, no3 in October and 4 at xmas. I am allowed to include presents at xmas and birthday so let me know what you would like in plenty of time.
I also understand from the court proceedings, you fear that as soon as you reach 16, I will turn up. I promise you I will not.
At 16, you are old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. If you wish to contact me or see me then, I will be there for you. If that is not your wish and I have no contact back then I must assume you continue to desire no contact (or that you never got my letters!). Whilst I may find this deeply upsetting, I will respect your right to choose but, rest assured I will never stop thinking of you, never stop loving you and will be a call away should you need help. The same applies before you are 16. There is nothing ‘legally’ stopping you contacting me at any time. You can write, ring or simply turn up on the door step. There will always be another home for you here. If you do any of the above however, I cannot promise not to be embarrassingly emotional!
Lastly on the heavy stuff…. I understand I may not see you for a very long time or ever in fact. Therefore you should know a few things.
1. You are sole beneficiary of my will and whatever I have when I die is yours to do with what you want.
2. When you reach 18 there is some money and some other stuff waiting for you in an account. It is yours to use as you see fit, maybe to help with University or whatever.
On now to other things. I honestly don’t know whether you are even vaguely interested in my life. If you are read on. Each letter I send will give you an update on what I am up to boring as it is, in an attempt to keep the distance between us from growing even further. I would much prefer to write about pop groups and the coolest films and all that stuff you are interested in but I would just be embarrassingly out of touch and odd I’m sure. I did shed a few tears the other day watching Holly and the granddaughter on Britains got talent. It so reminded me of you with Scarlet ribbons and Castle on a cloud and the song from little mermaid. Anyway you are much better than them all so don’t hate me for this……. I entered you for 2010. You think I’m joking! If you get an invite to an audition, its up to you what you do with it. But rest assured your Dad knows you can win. Move over Diversity woo hoo.
As you are fully aware from the news, there is the biggest recession in the UK since 1930 and this means the training world I inhabit is very badly affected. Needless to say no one is spending money on training when people are lucky to have jobs so the last year has been impossibly lean and being self employed I cannot get unemployment benefit. Therefore I am applying for various work that might or might not mean another move. To be honest I don’t need to be in the UK as there is nothing keeping me here now. As such I have applied for a couple of jobs that will take me abroad.
There is only one problem with that and he is trying to climb on the keyboard as I type. He is Samson a beautiful Bengal – Moggie Cross kitten who keeps me company and is very cute. Not as beautiful as Delilah or Nikita but a lovely temperament and very interested in everything. He has a very strange habit of trying to lick my eyes! He is just 7 weeks old and sits in the palm of my hand as you did when you were first born. The other cats have gone now with their ‘Mum ‘ so the birds and rabbits have breathed a sigh of relief and come back into the garden. The swans on the river only had two cygnets this year but the ducks have six little ducklings.
The up side of the recession is that the garden is looking pretty good and I have stripped and varnished the front door. My suntan is also pretty good with all the time outside. I was down by the river the other night watching the sun go down when a big brown face appeared from the water. It was a Jersey cow that had got stuck. It took the farmer and I and a tractor and a digger an hour to get her out. She looked like she had been stuck for days. The good news is she was ok and is back with her calf. It was just luck I happened to find her.
One other piece of luck was a trip to South Africa in payment for some coaching I did with a holiday company director. I went to the Kruger national park and slept out in the bush. You would have so loved it and I promised myself I would take you back one day if possible. I got to stroke cheetah cubs, dive with a great white shark and feed a 6 ton African elephant amongst many other great experiences you would have loved.
I saw Amelia a month ago and she asked after you. She said she had written to you at Christmas but didn’t get a reply. She has just been on a school trip to Italy and loved it. Also Rachel B said she had met you at a party and she thought you were great. She broke her collar bone snowboarding on the first day of her holiday.
I hope school is going well and you are enjoying it. Your report was great and you are obviously working very hard. I am so proud of you. Keep well and have a fun exciting summer. I hope you will be doing nice things… Australia or Sri Lanka again or something equally exciting. I will write again in August.
All my love as always Dad xxxx
PS: It is not the breaths we take that matter but the moments that take our breath away. You have and always will take my breath away.
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