Letter 1 of 4 2012

2 February 2012

Dear H

Happy New Year, I hope you had a lovely Christmas break and did some nice things. I also hope you got my Christmas present and have enjoyed spending your Jack Wills Vouchers in the sales. I still put your pocket money into the account I set up and you can get this any time you choose. I will continue to put money in ad infinitum. Rainy day money for when you want /need it.

I met with your teachers tonight at parents evening. Wow! What can I say! I am so proud of you. A great set of results in your mocks, some lovely comments about you and the type of person you are. I am so impressed with how hard you are working and how dedicated you appear. Well done you. Your music teacher tells me what a star you are. He was raving about your compositions and your singing and piano.

In the same way I have not even seen a photo of you in seven years, I am so sad I have not and probably will not hear any of your compositions or playing. I will always remember your ‘Scarlet ribbons’ and ‘Castle on a cloud’ renditions and it brings a tear to my eye whenever I play them on my ipod.

The only singing I have heard was in St Helier that fateful night. It was very special and wonderful to hear you and see you. I am so sorry however that my selfish actions stopped you singing the next day and caused Mum to create such a fuss that the Police, army , navy and air force were mobilized and a state of emergency was declared! Believe it or not I broke no law, I broke no injunction. I just did what any Dad would do.

As I am sure you are aware, Mum has again gone to Court to try and extend the Order stopping contact between us until you are 18. I was surprised that this happened as I certainly believe that at 16 you are old enough to make your own decisions. However, I recognize you are in a terribly difficult position and Mum is Boss. I was not surprised that there was no evidence of your views or any letter from you to the Court expressing your wishes. Does that mean you were unaware of this action? You had no view? Or had a different view?

I know from the report put to the court by National Youth Advisory Service (NYAS) back in 2008/9 that at the time you did not believe I loved you and only liked you. That you were worried I was going to kidnap you; that you were frightened of me and did not ever want to have anything to do with me. Whilst I was shocked and saddened by these things I did believe that was a true reflection of your feelings. NYAS also noted in her conclusions that your opinion was strongly influenced and that you had an incorrect view of your father based on inaccurate information.

It is seven years now since I was asked to leave by Mum; seven years since we played , laughed and had fun. In that time you have grown up, into a confident and intelligent young woman. You have been told many things about me and sadly not all those things are true.

X is a great school and it teaches you to think for yourself and form your own opinions. It teaches analysis and deduction. You are good at this I know and far better than I was at the same age. So reflect for a moment and ask yourself why you would ever come to fear a person who you loved pushing you on the swing for hours; who took you swimming almost every weekend; who you cycled with ( remember spy games on the trailer bike), spent half her weekends sitting on the shoulders of. Someone who you knew loved you more than anyone in the world and who took you to school most mornings. Someone, who looked after you in Hong Kong for two weeks and for weeks whilst Mum was away with the Navy in Australia, Seychelles and Belgium. So why would you say (allegedly) you thought I was going to kidnap you, or attack you and Mum. Even in those very horrible and difficult times in 2005 when you witnessed things you should never have been exposed to. Can you honestly say I was violent or aggressive to you or Mum? In the office did I not try to protect you from our arguments? Did I not ask Mum to stop and to leave? Was it not you who asked Mum to stop shouting and throwing cups? Is this the behavior of someone willing and capable of hurting either of you or abducting you? I hope you know in both your head and heart the answer. If I was going to would I not have done so by now?

Now, ask yourself a different question for a second. Why have all your old friends, Lucy, Emily, Mary etc; and our family friends, disappeared out of your life? Why are they off the Christmas card list and have no contact? Why would Nick , Nigel , Simon and Claire all give evidence in support of my having contact. Why do you no longer see Jarred, Dai and many others and why am I still in contact with them? Could the answer be that someone does not want you to know the truth? Could it be that if you knew the truth as these people do you might feel differently?

I am sad that Mum feels that I need to be stopped from having any contact with you. I am sad that she does not feel you are able to make that decision for yourself or that it would be harmful for you to talk to me or have a relationship with your Dad and I am sorry that due to the continued Court proceedings you will again be called upon to talk to some social worker and tell them your wishes and feelings.

H, why not just tell me? I want to see you face to face as any parent would. I want to know how you feel. I care about what you think. I want to understand why you do not want any contact and yes, of course I want to change your mind. I want you to know me not the myth. I want you to want to see me; I want to rebuild a happy, loving relationship. I cannot do that in a letter like this that I do not know whether you ever get.

Mum complained to the Court that it was deceptive of me to use different handwriting on the address of my letters! Why is that important if I am allowed to write to you? The only conclusion I can draw is that my letters to you are intercepted and either you never see them or they are censored / checked before being passed on. The only other sad conclusion is that you won’t open them and if you open them by mistake you get upset. If that is the case, then I am so deeply sorry that we have failed you as parents to not protect you from this and must really question what you have been told or experience that would lead to such a strong reaction.

I know you love Mum and quite rightly you are incredibly loyal to her. One day I hope you learn that it is ok to love more than one person and that having a relationship with both parents is ok, is right and is normal. It is also ok to have different views and still be friends. It is not disloyal to want to see your Dad. Mum loved her Dad so much and had a very special relationship with him. Why should you miss out on that?

In November, I visited your School (ironically on Armistice day) to ask Mrs M if after your 16th birthday she would be willing to act as a chaperone and facilitate a meeting between you and I. My desire was to give you the opportunity to meet me in a place you would feel safe and protected. To reassure you that I will not do anything silly or that would cause you upset. She was happy to do so as long as you were willing.

Fundamentally Harri I suppose I do not believe I can ever communicate to you effectively by letter and I believe that we both deserve the opportunity to see each other face to face. We both know Mum will never sanction that at home or be in any way supportiuve of such a meeting. The recent application to court is clear evidence of that.

I believe you will only be reassured and have your own mind put at rest or your own questions answered if we are to meet. (Remember the chaperoned visit to the Es when at the start of the visit you wanted to scratch me and show me how much you hated me? By the end of the visit you were sitting on my shoulders picking blackberries and having fun. Remember Jersey when we went swimming? All hostile at the start and then, having great fun on the slides and in the pool.)

I don’t want to frighten you by turning up on your doorstep or outside the front gates at the School. I do know how much you have on your plate with exams at the moment and do not want to do anything to impact that. What I do need is to know what you want/feel? I cannot accept that what Mum says in court is what you really feel. Likewise, I find it difficult to believe what you tell a social worker when Mum is sat in the same room with you. I hope you can understand that. Remember once I was in the same position as you and know how difficult a position you are in.

I know you are between a rock and a hard place. In my heart I probably know that no relationship is likely or probably possible between us until after you leave home, given the level of hostility Mum has towards me or the level of pain and change you feel I have caused. Do you at least understand I need to hear that from you in person.

Love you, and miss you everyday my Little Nutbrown Hair