28 February 2013
Dear H
Happy 17th birthday Woo Hoo !
I cannot believe my little girl is now a young woman. Independent, intelligent, charming, musical, artistic and academic. Your teachers were so complimentary about you and clearly had lots of time and affection for you. I left X after parents evening knowing that you were happy, settled balanced and really going to do brilliantly in your exams.
I have been told by Mum, you want a macbook pro or airbook but not an ipad! So either you have an ipad or mum has discovered, via Youtube, I was given one recently and was ensuring you didn’t get a ‘cheap present’. I had thought about buying you a car. But I don’t know if you are driving, intend to learn to drive or whether like mum you will leave it until you’re much older. I do not know if you got your xmas presents, liked or loathed them so yet again I am at a bit of a loss. I am not comfortable sending a computer by post. I am banned from delivering one in person by the court. I cannot just turn up with a car and leave it outside either so, I am forced into the old standby of putting some money into your account. There is certainly enough in there for you to go for any of the options above should you so choose. All you have to do is get in touch for the Bank card and pin code when you are ready. Again as previously stated:- you will not get an interrogation. If you just say I have called for my bankcard and pin and do not wish to talk to you otherwise; I will respect that and give you the pin and send the card that day.
I am sure you will be doing something fantastic for your birthday and I know you will have a brilliant time. Take a day off from studying and have fun. Good luck in your exams this summer I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.
If you would like a car for your 18th let me know, otherwise I will do the same as this year.
My fears that you would be really badly affected by the last years have clearly been unfounded. I have thought about this and realise that I was using my map of the world and equating what happened to me when I was young and projecting it on to you. I know now that the circumstances were very different. Likewise, I must apologise for the difficult position I have put you in over the years. It must have been very hard for you. I know you have questions. I know that you may have wanted to see me but could or would never express that openly as it might be seen as disloyal or hurtful. I know that when you are ready you will seek me out and like me, get the answers you need. You will get to know me again and rediscover the father you lost. I know that might be tomorrow or once you have left home. Either way I know deep down that when we talk, or meet you will realise how much love me and you share. Not just on special days like this birthday but every single day.
I used to grieve for the loss of my wonderful , beautiful daughter and be angry about the reasons why. I used to rail at what I considered the injustice of our legal system and blame mum for denying you and I our human rights. I feared for your emotional health and wellbeing. I can honestly say I no longer feel that way. Life has a way of doing things for us rather than to us. All things happen for a reason and be it karma or God or some other force I cannot explain, I now know that I can let go and not worry about you anymore. I know you will be successful in whatever you choose to do. I know you will never be short of friends and that what you have been through has made you stronger, more mature and more prepared for the challenges that life will set you than most of your peers. You also have the support of a mother who would do literally anything for you and loves you more than anything. Deep in your heart I know you know the same applies to me.
Whatever you believe or think, I can assure you that no child was more wanted or loved by two people than you were. I have so many regrets in life about things I have said and done but you will never be one. For all the pain and loss I feel for having had you taken away from me, I will always have the most wonderful memories of your first nine years on this planet. Nothing can ever take away the sheer joy and feelings of unconditional love we both felt for you when you arrived and the awe and wonder we felt as we gazed at you for the first time. I have such beautiful memories of things you did, or said and all those times I would just watch you sleeping, or hold you in my arms or carry you on my shoulders or watch you doing ballet or gymnastics or take you swimming, of birthdays and xmases …I could go on endlessly.
So what am I trying to say. I am trying to say thank you! Thank you for teaching me the meaning of love. Thank you for helping me work through my demons and understand my relationship with my parents and finally exorcise some ghosts and some skewed beliefs I held and that made me the poor husband and father I was. Thank you for helping me understand the true value of what is important in life and what is not. It is family and friends not money or vengeance or bitterness.
I also want to say sorry. Sorry for not being there on your birthday sorry for not being there for the last eight years. Sorry for all the hurt, pain and upset I have caused you and Mum. I hope that one day you will forgive me for some of the things I have said and done. I hope you can recognize that whilst mum and I probably never should have married so young, we did love each other once, care very much for each other and were at worst good friends even when we had grown apart. You should know too that you were the glue that kept us together and were absolutely the best thing that ever happened to us. You gave us a reason to be together and to stay together even when we both knew it was not going to be forever. Had we remained together it would not have been as good or happy or stable an environment as it probably has been with just you and mum.
I am sure you have been through some tough times over the intervening years and have cursed me often. I am sure you have questioned why I wont just go away and leave you and your new family alone. If you do not know now then you will one day when you have that perfect child of your own. But it is time now I did go away . Actually it is long since that time but it is only now I recognize it is the right thing to do. Why now?
Well many reasons in fact.
1. I have at last grown up.
2. You are at an age where you must be trusted to make your own decisions and be accountable for your actions.
3. I know as a family you and mum are financially secure with the equity in the house and both your grandmas inheritances and that whatever happens to me and mum you will be financially very well off.
4. You don’t need the hassle with A levels just around the corner.
5. You will find me when you are ready and when you want to.
6. You have an alternative and maybe better father figure in your life to bring a different perspective and balance.
7. Being a young adult you know best what you want and no one is going to dictate what you do.
So know I Love you all the way to the stars and back again, my Little Nutbrown Hare, Good Luck this Summer, a Huge Happy Birthday and Auf wiedersehen
Dad xxxxxxxxxxx
I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods;
I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;
Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘T is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Comments