20 June 2010
Dearest H,
It is that time again. Another of those letters. Fathers Day seemed an appropriate day to write. Another year and no contact no surprise there. But at least I know nothing has changed. I still love you more than words can describe. You, well who knows.
I have been putting off writing for weeks and at the same time thinking about what to write for months. I keep thinking about putting a disc of my favourite records together songs that better explain my love and feelings for you; but that would not be seen as ‘indirect written contact. Likewise, as I hate writing (I never can say in writing what I want to say when I talk) I thought about making a recording so you can hear my voice. Again this is not within the letter of the law so I fall on my pen. I’m sure you would prefer I fell on my sword! But as Mum has said many a time ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’ and one day you will see that if not now.
I am sure you are looking forward to Summer hols and hope you are going somewhere nice. If not I hope you have fun with friends and family. I look forward to getting your report and know it will be fabulous as always. Your last results were amazing and I am sure nothing has changed this time when I was your age I came home with a great report. Hard to believe I know but I remember being really upset when my Dad wrote in the comments. “Unbelievable thank you for all your efforts!” I remember thinking It’s not the teachers efforts… its my hard work why are you thanking them. My Dad’s only comment to me was ” I see you got a C for RE you must try harder!” I still remember it 30 years on. Needless to say, although Im not there to look you in the eye and say well done. It is a heartfelt well done.
My news since I last wrote is a mixed bag. On the down side, Samson did not survive the main road and I miss him. I often wonder how Delilah and Nikita are. Delilah must be very old now if she is still alive. Give them a hug from me, I miss them too. With the recession and change in government business is terrible but the upside is I get more time in the garden or on the river. This year the blossom and wisteria were lovely and I have enclosed some photographs.
My big news is harder to tell you. I don’t know what your reaction will be and it is news I would have rather told you in person. That is not to be, so on balance it is best to tell you now so that when I see you one day it is not too big a surprise. I am engaged ! If you will forgive me I will not tell you too much about my fiancé as a result of my experience last time I shared information in a letter about Jane and her children. What I can say is that my fiancé is called Teresa and she has two children, both girls. They are 12 and 9. They are lovely girls I know you would like and get on with. Likewise they would love their future ‘big sister’.
They are both in Middle School and the oldest starts at Grammar School in September. They see their dad every other weekend and 1 night during the week. We get on really well and they have accepted me into their lives, which is always difficult. Especially, having to share their Mums attention with someone else. If you have been through this, then I am sure you know what I mean. It is ironic. I am again reminded of childhood and my relationship with my stepmother. Being in her position now, I have much more sympathy. I think it is the Buddist religion that tells us that our life is a series of lessons and that to reach Nirvana we must learn those lessons otherwise we keep getting reincarnated and have to go through the pain again. Well I guess the last 5 years has taught me too many lessons about my past and how it is to be on the receiving end of what I dished out. The biggest lesson of all is “what goes around comes around” or perhaps ‘we reap what we sow.’
I have enclosed some pictures of the girls who do a good job of sounding interested when I go on endlessly about you. They cannot understand why I don’t see you and why you don’t want to see me. As I don’t truly understand it either I’m not that helpful on that subject. 40% of their friends at School have divorced parents so they sort of take it in their stride.
We do not intend marrying for some years as we are not exactly in a position to do so. When we do it goes without saying I would like you there as a bridesmaid and to bless a new and (with the big exception of you) happier chapter in my life. The past is the past and that is where it should stay. I hope both you and mum can forgive me one day and allow me to move on with my life. If it is without you and that is your wish then I have to accept that. You may be lost to me at this time but you will never be more loved, never ever replaced and never forgotten.
Have a good summer my darling and I will write again in the Autumn.
All my love Dad xxxx
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