Dearest H
Both Mummy and I have been interviewed again about me having contact with you and getting to see you again. I had hoped that we could find a solution ourselves and that this would not have to continue to cost time and money which would be better spent on rebuilding all our lives.
The Court have just received a letter from Mrs F who interviewed Mummy and I to say that they will not be able to produce a report before September and this will mean further delays before we eventually get a decision by the court. For you and me that means another summer holiday opportunity lost.
One positive thing did come out of the meeting I had with Mrs F was that apparently Mummy has no objection to you and I seeing each other as long as you want it. The previous report to the court stated that it was the recommendation of the experts that contact should be resumed at the earliest possible opportunity in the best long term interest of the child (you).
So where does this leave us all? The last time I saw you was on the 6th January 2006 when you told me you never wanted to see me again. I cannot tell you how much it hurt me to hear you say that. I do not know whether it is what you really wanted or whether you felt you had to say it (certainly Auntie L was very insistent you had something to tell me) At the time H you were nine years old, you were probably very angry with me and I’m sure will have blamed me for all the changes that resulted from the break up of the marriage. I still don’t know why you felt you never wanted to see me or how you came to that conclusion. Was it all your own thoughts or were you encouraged to feel that way by others? Were you told the truth or lies and on what basis did you come to the conclusion? Perhaps I will never know but I ask you that question every night when I kiss you goodnight
I have read many books and sent them to Mummy on the subject of divorce and the impact of it on children. They all conclude that the children of divorced parents should be encouraged to have a normal and healthy relationship with both parents in order to grow up happy and balanced. Mummy can lend the books to you if you ask or you can look it up in the library or on the internet.
As you know my parents were divorced when I was young and I did not see my Mum for a long time as I thought that to ask would be disloyal to my Dad or that he would think I was taking sides against him which I wasn’t going to because I loved him too. This left me feeling torn in half and very unhappy because I felt whatever choice I made I was going to get into trouble or upset one or other parent. It was not right that I was left in this position and I wish my parents knew how I felt or what effect their divorce had on me. I think that when we are young we think we can have only one special friend or there is only yes or no or right and wrong. It is only when we are a little older do we start to see the degrees of right or wrong or the so called grey areas and that life is not black or white. That there are complicated reasons for why things happen and that it is not that one parent is good or the other evil. There are things we can only understand as we experience life and some that we only understand when we are parents ourselves.
H you are now 11. You are over two years older than when this all started and I hope much wiser and less angry about it all. I hope by now you will have met many other children from divorced parents and grown to realise that 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. I hope you will have met girls and boys at your school who have strong relations with both parents and that they see their Fathers and spend time with them even if they live most of the time with their Mums.
I want you to be free of the pain and suffering I went through as a child. I would like you to feel that you can talk to both Mummy and I or maybe someone like Mrs F or your teachers in the same way you might talk to Charlotte B or Emily E. By knowing how you really feel we are in a position to better understand and help you.
I hope you know by now that I never abandoned you. I did not leave you but was asked to leave and that was the right thing to do in everyone’s best interests. I have and always will love you whether I see you again or whether you remain happy memories and thoughts in my head in the absence of any recent photographs. I hope you know that the House, the flat in TWells, and all the stuff from the house is all yours and that there will be no more cross words or shouting any more.
Despite what you may have been told, I have paid Mummy money every month for you to be fed and clothed and kept safe and secure and now pay for you to go to what your Mum considers to be the best school in Jersey from September. Whatever pain, hurt, anger and suffering you, your mum and I have all experienced, it should be over and we should be able to find a way of living in harmony if not together.
I am still your legal guardian and should have a say in how you are brought up and should have rights of access under the law to see you. The legal system is very slow and if I had waited until it could get around to dealing with our divorce we would not have even gone to a final hearing until August of this year. I do not know how long it will take on the matter of contact but would beg you to talk to mummy about this and work out what you would want.
I have said all along that given the distances I would think it would be reasonable for a minimum of a weekend a month either in Jersey or here in Dorset plus a week at Christmas and Easter and 2 weeks in the Summer for holidays and breaks away. This seems today like a far off dream. Firstly I have my doubts you will see this letter and secondly I think that we all have a long way to go to rebuild any trust and connection for that to be possible.
I have a suggestion for you with Mums permission, we maybe start with a phonecall. Just to hear your voice would make me the happiest man alive. You can use the call to ask me anything you like, tell me how you are or what nice things you have been doing. If it works and you feel you want to, we could perhaps talk once a week at a prearranged time and just feel our way forward a step at a time. Mummy could listen in if she is unhappy about what might be said or could record the conversations if that would be helpful. You could play them back when you wanted to then.
If that is too much then perhaps you could ask Mummy if you can write back to me. Ask me anything. Tell me how you feel about what has happened, use it to shout at me if you need to. At least tell me why you still don’t want to see me and give me the chance to make up for my mistakes.
I understand you are still in touch with old friends back home and have heard some things that suggest that life for you is not all they are made to appear to the outside world or a bed of roses for you in Jersey. Maybe it is just me being stupid or ignorant of some fact or detail but I cannot in my heart believe that you never want to see me again. I can believe that at the time you were angry with me and hated me and blamed me solely for what had happened. If that is the case, I would understand and I probably felt that too when I was your age. I hated my stepmother for taking my daddy away and stopping me seeing my mum. It was always easier to blame her than to confront the reality that my father no longer loved my mother and had to leave. Much of our life is a search for truth and I have always tried to help you to find answers to questions and I have not to my knowledge, hand on heart ever deliberately lied to you. (except about reindeer footprints and santa and toothfairies..sorry!)
What I am trying to say is that now you are older and wiser and I hope more comfortable and feel safer now all the divorce is over to ask Mum if you can get in touch than before. I hope Mum is also now in a better place having got everything she wanted to find that acceptable. So even if it is just out of curiosity, please call, write or visit soon
Always in hope and with all my love
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