16 July 2007
Dear L,
I hope this letter finds you well. Until now I have been unable to write to you personally as a result of the restrictions you had placed on me by the Jersey Court. I hope now our divorce is finalised and we have disposed of solicitors, you and I will be able to converse again sensibly in H’s best interests. I hope you therefore take this letter in the spirit of it is meant.
Please note the new address for all correspondence. I believe you have it already from my letters and cards to H.
You will know already that the date for a hearing has been put back until after the 25th of September and the Judge has rejected my request to consider an interim order for access. I had kept my diary completely empty throughout the 6 week holiday period in the distant hope that H and I might get to spend time together and rebuild a relationship. This now seems a forlorn hope unless that is, that your position has mellowed and you are now happy as you said to the Jersey Probationary Service for me to see H.
Working full time as a single mum cannot be easy and I respect what you are doing to rebuild your life. I also recognise how difficult it must be to have a life of your own and some space you yourself whilst catering fulltime to the needs of an 11 year old. You have clearly done a great job so far as, on the surface H appears to be continuing to progress at school and according to her teachers is a well rounded and popular child. What happens in the holidays whilst you are working. Is she passed from one carer / childminder /relative /friend to another. Does she get a holiday? What if something were to happen to her would I even know? This was brought home to me and im sure to you watching the Mark Warner kidknapping in Portugal.
I don’t think I ever imagined in my worst nightmare that things would become as hostile and unreasonable as they did. I had instead visualised a future where despite separate lives we respected the boundaries and worked together to ensure H had the best start in life and she would always be someone who united us. I had hoped we would be able to talk and discuss her needs and agree the best path for her and be role model parents even though apart. I still believe we can do that if we both make a concerted effort and we can put the past behind us.
What I don’t know and can only deduce from the behaviour is what you want. You appear to want to make things as difficult, expensive and damaging to me and H as humanly possible. Yet having known you for 20 years and knowing how much she means to you I cannot believe that. So what is it that is driving the behaviour? What can I do to understand the drivers that stop a child seeing her father? It cannot be the need to live as, if you liquefied the assets you wouldn’t have to work again. It cannot possibly be variety can it? That leaves just two. I hope those needs can be met elsewhere in time. What I can say is that you will always be important to me as H’s mother and as someone I spent most of my life with and whatever has happened cannot take away the good times and the good memories. It will always be my regret that those good times came to such a tragic end. As for love you know in your heart the answer to that and you know exactly what to do to cause the maximum pain. What is interesting is inspite everything you have done to me or attempted to do since our separation, I cannot hate you and can only feel upset for the pain and suffering I have caused you that would ultimately lead you to act as you have. I must have hurt you so badly and for that I am so so very sorry.
You know what I would like in relation to minimum level of access and holiday arrangements and I can only see positives in that. For you, some time off / a break. For H some variety, some travel, a second home, a relationship with her Dad. For me a chance to make amends to her for leaving, to catch up on lost time and to rebuild a loving relationship with our daughter that is different but as special as that she has with you.
This is all very well in theory and I fully appreciate the reality and magnitude of trying to fix something that has been ripped apart. However, as you have said yourself, we are both guilty of causing this, acting irresponsibly and saying and doing things we now regret. What we have now is the opportunity to work together in H’s best interests to fix it.
As I am writing this, I am starting to realise that I can use all the logic and common sense in the world and it will be for nought. None of this deals with the real issue which is you and me. It was all so sudden and so bitter that we never worked through what was happening to us or gave each other a chance to work through the emotion. It is too late now and there is too much water under the bridge but it is not too late for H. One thing we always had was the ability to talk. Whether it was for hours between Culdrose and Rosyth in the early days or recently in (Solicitors) office there was still the glimmer of something that gave me hope that one day we could have a different relationship. Lets try and use it for some good. I cannot ring you and have little hope of a response to this letter but hey we live in hope. So I will ask again that you give me a call and lets see if we can find someway forward that works for us all.
If I don’t hear from you, I hope you will use the fees element of Hs maintenance that as yet are not being used for JCG to take her somewhere nice on holiday this summer. I discovered that PADI have lowered the age for openwater to 10 so maybe you could dive together one day soon.
I hope you will find it in your heart to send me some photographs and start to update me on a more regular basis on her progress. Make sure you give her enough hugs and love to compensate for the loss of a father. Of course you know that’s not possible so do what you can.
Throughout writing this I have tried to work out how to sign off and I still don’t know what to say other than honestly and
sincerely
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