Letter to M September 2005

27th September 2005

Dear L,

RE: Today in Court

I hope that by writing this to you personally I will not be facing another embarrassing scene or further snotagrams from (solicitor). We could all do with a rest from that I hope you agree. I hope you also understand that this is a genuine attempt at reconciliation. I still hold a torch that we might one day be able to forgive and forget and get on with our lives however ridiculous that might sound now.

I don’t know about you but I have spent most of the day feeling sick and very very sad. I thought that agreeing to meet face to face was a sensible step forward. I am sad that it was just another attempt to score points and demand I withdraw application. Don’t you see what is plain for the judge and others around us. I would love to withdraw the application. I would love for there to be no need for a court order.

Sadly that does not appear possible. My only defence against you unilaterally changing the rules, denying me my basic human right to see H and denying H a father is through the Court. The last thing I want is for this to drag on at huge cost to us both as ultimately K's bill will come out of what is a rapidly diminishing pot or to involve social services but I have no choice. Even K asked for a fact find- something if it could be carried out quickly I would welcome as it would require others to give evidence. Asking me to agree to drop the case then ‘we will talk’ is not an option as I hope you can sensibly understand. If as I said today you and I can come to a sensible and reasonable understanding about access short and long term I am happy that we sign it and have it ratified and binding in court. I cannot and will not leave it to a whim or on trust as clearly that has been well and truly broken on both sides and can only be rebuilt with Harriet by us working sensibly together.

I thought the judge said some very poignant and powerful things today. I wish I had recorded them as I would have liked us to sit down and listen to them together again. Many of his words were things we have said or written to each other in the past. Many were things I told you about my childhood and you have seen the effect on my brother and I. I cannot believe that is what you want.

I have met no one who thinks that it is acceptable to deny access as you have done todate. I have met many people who have had acrimonious divorces I have not yet met anyone who has sunk as low as we appear to have in the eyes of the Judge. “ I am horrified that two parents would sacrifice their daughter. What scars are being burned in to her psyche. what will happen at puberty and beyond. What lessons is she taking forward about relationships. You are doing her the greatest disservice. I am not sure either parent is able to ensure unsupervised contact is a happy experience for H…….I ask you to take time to ponder your actions etc” He was looking at both of us L. Whatever happened to the sensible arrangement we made and wrote down and signed up to. Whatever happened to the reasonable conversations we had before you knew I wasn’t coming back.

H said to me that you still loved me because she heard you on the phone saying it to someone else. If you do you must let me go. We are not right for each other, we do not make each other happy but we are both capable of great love for H and to be great parents to her separately.

Perhaps we will see history differently but for what it is worth I did love you once and I did think it was in H’s best interests that we stay together to avoid history repeating itself. As you are fully aware our relationship was broken many years ago. It was broken when we talked about divorce in Sardinia on a Mark Warner holiday, It was broken that Xmas in Sharm el Sheik, it was broken when I tried to escape you in 2003 and tried to buy a flat. Each time I have failed to see things through and tried to keep the peace and do as I was told. I cannot live a lie anymore. It is over and I am never coming back.

I know much of H’s anger is based around this and how tough it must be for you both. Am not without feelings and compassion and understand how rejected and hurt and bitter you must feel. I know how much it hurts, to miss someone special and understand how easy it is to try and make things the same as they were. H all but said come home to me or else. We must help her understand that is not going to happen – there are no three wishes or good fairies going to make it all alright. Part of our responsibility to H as parents is to help her come to terms with the fact that life will/ is different and she now has two homes, two parents who love her but live separate lives.

Although it will have caused you pain and for that I am sorry, I had little choice but to show the witness statement today. You know already that I have met someone. J is special to me and has helped me cope with the last few months when everything has fallen apart in my life. I went to see her to try and sell to her. I failed but ended up close friends. It was not planned, it just happened and it was I think as much a surprise to us both. It is a relationship we both want to last and do not wish destroyed by ex partners. I hope you will respect that. ( By the way, If you really want to know about domestic violence and what it looks and feels like you should talk to J and ask to see her pictures and fracture xrays. If I think of all the things you have done and said it is this and the arrests that hurt more than any money stolen, lies, infidelity or anything you may or may not have done in the past. You know the truth. I clearly have more respect for your integrity than you do below you)

J has two girls (8 & 11) who I am very fond of but will never replace H. They know all about H and are desperate to meet her and help her realise there is life after divorce, that one day despite all the fighting you can move on. ( Yes they too wrote the diary and the letters to their Dad and yes they can remember how they felt) I know they can help H come to terms with her pain and I hope one day they can play together and she feels less like an only child. I have no intention that they meet H until such time as it is right to do so and you are ok with it. I wonder how long that would be.

As I sat on the beach this summer how I wished H could have been there. Laughed when I fell of a scooter and broke my ribs, played in the sea and been with us on bike rides. Without her my life is hollow . Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot would you not be a tad upset. I hope H will get the chance to meet all my new friends and their children ( Yes I am now a fully fledged member of the weekend parent / divorcee crowd and try and keep my hand in by using other dads kids to help me remember how to be a good dad. I think that actually it is a sad fact that I am probably a better dad as a result of this shameful episode and I hope I might one day prove that to you.

I am going to again appeal to the warm caring and loving L who has a heart and believes in right and wrong. You said that I told you "I would lie and cheat and destroy the business". Why would i do or say that? when throughout I have put forward suggestions for settlement which far exceed what you will gain in court. Some divorces take weeks and cost less than £200. How much is ours costing? How long will H pay the price. You and I both know the answer. Forever. In court you lie about domestic violence. Why? To what end? You have me arrested, you call the police for no reason other than to make a point. Why? All you are doing is stopping me working. Emotionally and physically I am totally drained I have no focus on work and that is why N has left, set up his new business and taken the staff. It is now just me. I have to date spent five days pulling together all the documents for your questions. I have spent 3 days in custody I have spent numerous days off sick to what end? I have paid you over £23,000 since January and you have a further £30,000 you have taken. I have continued to pay H's school fees throughout plus my mortgage and all your bills including the mortgage on Bullion Oast. I am sinking. This is not a game. It is not a trick. It is deadly serious. There is no uncle N anymore to bring in the big contract, to carry you and I it is finished there is fuck all except what I can go out and get.

The days of plenty are over and we can spend hours in court looking at what great amounts of money we made in 2002/2003/2004 but it is irrelevant. It is time to get real. Is it not time to draw a line and do our utmost to solve this? If we cannot do it face to face why not on the phone after H is in bed. Call me please. We can meet somewhere public, a restaurant a coffee shop I don’t care. I do not hate you L. I hate your behaviour. I have been where you are with my brother. I understand you feel you are being shafted. You are not.

By the way I don’t and never have had the address book – I am sure you will find it one day and will be big enough to apologise when you do. Think things over. I am happy to sit and talk, I am happy to talk on the phone. For the reasons of the restrictions on contact I will not call you but I hope for H’s sake we can find a sensible way forward and you will call me with any ideas, thought or suggestions. I remain happy to go to mediation or to sit down with solicitors to discuss solutions not accusations and draw up binding agreements.

As an aside H said your mum was worse. I was very sad to hear this and truly sorry. I hope your brothers are sharing the burden. Please give her my best if it is appropriate. Please also consider how your father's tragic death became her life's work. Please don’t follow in her footsteps and die a bitter old lady. You have such great skills and talents use them to write, for good, for H not this. We tried, god we tried for 17 years but ultimately we failed. No actually I failed. I could not be who you wanted me to be. We did have some good times let's hold on to those and let's move on for pities sake.

Regards

G