15 September 2011
Dear L
I hope this letter finds you well, happy and getting on with life. I am writing to you as I have many times over the years from the heart. Maybe inspired by the letters from the front in Afghanistan in a recent Radio 4 programme I was reminded of the 'Bluies' I sent and the contrast with our letters of more recent history. I read your updates and I am always saddened how hard it must be to write a page that says nothing and how little joy there must be in that for someone with your skills and ability to paint a picture with the pen.
So why am I writing to you? It has been over 6 years since you asked me to leave. Six years since I had any real conversation or contact with you that did not end in bitter acrimony. For the previous 19 years we were lovers, husband and wife, and at worst best friends. We had good times, we had bad times, neither of us can say what happened was truly one person’s sole fault. With time and hindsight I hope we can both see it. I can look back and see how difficult I was to live with and how unacceptable my behavior was on occasion. Likewise, I am sure you can see how much pressure I felt under as the major breadwinner of the family for 13 years never feeling that what I did was enough and feeling like an unwanted guest in my own home.
I think we can both accept that we changed over time and grew apart. Is that anyone’s fault? No, it is a reality of life for many. I was not the person you married and neither were you. How we dealt with that was where the fault lies and it lay with me. I mixed up love and sex and sought comfort elsewhere. I broke my marriage vows. I know you did too but, you say not. Either way, it was wrong and I have paid a very great price for it.
I know of no other divorce as acrimonious as ours or as damaging emotionally or financially as ours. Whether it was the same passion that made us once so good together or the deep hurt we inflicted on each other matters not. In fact surely it is now time to put the past behind us and set a better example to the one person we both love more than life itself.
If you have been watching all the stuff on 9/11 you will have seen the devastating impact of losing a parent on the children left behind. How different is the sense of loss/ upset /guilt/ anger of the child denied a parent . Im not throwing stones but you have to admit you have actively discouraged any contact. I can understand this at a number of levels not least the last thing you want is to see me and be reminded of all the pain I have caused you. This does not make it right however. Neither is cutting H off from anyone who remains in contact with me and cocooning her. I understand the desire to protect her, of course I do. But are you really?
Soon H will be 16. The court restriction will be lifted and there will be nothing stopping me from seeing her or vice versa. The last time I just turned up in Jersey it caused H great distress. Why? Because of what you had told her? Because of the bogey men in her head? Because of your own reaction/ fear? We both love H and would not want that surely!
I know you so well and know that winning is everything to you. Well you won , no you crushed me completely. If it was a battle you had a decisive victory. The question is, was it the opening battle of another war of the Roses or was it a war to end all wars and can we consider it finished?
I do not want to fight you. I do not hate you. What I cannot live with is the behavior we have demonstrated to H. I so wish we could find a way of moving forward in peaceful co-existence in the best interests of our daughter.
To this end I would like to meet face to face or to talk on the phone whichever suits you. It can be neutral ground, or somewhere of your choosing. We could involve a mediator or have witnesses there if that feels safer. Either way I would wish us to try and find a way forward for H.
I would hope that the two decent people we once were could be rediscovered and that we could demonstrate to H a better way of resolving difficulties and be united, if only in our love and respect for her.
I hope you will take this letter in the spirit it is meant and contact me with an answer. I trust we can avoid any more solicitors letters, legal costs or time in court and you will see this as a genuine olive branch.
I am hoping that time is a healer and that like me, you have been able to put yourself in my shoes as I have yours, and seen how many chances we wasted to come out of all this with a different outcome. I hope you see this as one of those opportunities.
I hope I will hear from you either with agreement or an alternative suggestion. Please feel free to ring me anytime or let me know your answer in your next letter which is due any day.
Please do let me know how H got on in her exams and give her my love. I have enclosed a letter for her. I would appreciate you passing it on. Thank you
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