Dear H
It is cloudy but warm. It is Sunday and I am sitting by a lake in Central Park. I get great comfort from being in the countryside. It reminds me of home playing in the garden, cycling with you and the trailer bike, walking in Dinorlan Park. Thinking of all those precious moments brings tears to my eyes.
I watch the families passing by. The dad's with their daughters feeding the Mallard. Every girl I see I try to work out how close to ten she is and therefore how like you she might be. Not one ever compares to my Harriet- too big -too small -too lumpy - too grumpy. Only you are just right!
I try to tell my self that it is not so bad and that at least you are alive and well ( I think). I try to compare our situation with all those people I meet who don't see their children for other bad reasons. Yet it doesn't help or take the pain away of not seeing you or make me feel any better. I wonder if you feel the same or think of me.
I have been working in St Louis for a couple of weeks and I met a married couple working in the Hotel. A chef and a waitress. They were from Kazakstan and had left their 3 children in Kazakstan with their grandma. They had come to America to make the money they needed to build a house for the family and had not seen their children for 4 years. I compared their plight with ours. I could make no sense of why I had not seen you in 4 months 6 days.
There is no real reason other than we have failed you as parents. We have failed to help you to understand that life is not a fairy story with "they lived happily ever after". We failed to protect you from our pain and hurt which so often comes out as anger and fighting even in grown ups. See H, adults are just big kids and feel things just as strongly as you. The only difference between Mummy and I deciding not to be friends anymore and you falling out with one of your friends is the time we have been friends and having you. I know when you marry it is supposed to be for life. But things change and people change and we were not happy. Surely H in those circumstances it is right to live apart. Even in different houses we are your daddy and mummy and we both love you more than anything in the universe. It is ok to love us both and to spend time with us both. You don't have to choose. We will both be there for you as long as we breathe.
I believe the only reason I am not seeing you is because you feel that is what Mummy wants and to punish me for breaking up the family. Or Mummy is stopping you in order to hurt me. I hope that is not the case.
I think I have been punished enough now. I have given you and Mummy the house the flat and all the money from grandma plus all the furniture and things in the house. That's everything but it is still appears not to be enough. Mummy has you, a new job, a new start and enough money to keep you and her comfortably off for the rest of your lives. I have nothing left to give other than my love and have to start again. I think that is punishment enough for asking for a divorce!
Without talking to you or seeing you I don't know how you feel. I cannot understand how you see the whole mess or know what questions you have. I have always told you the truth Harriet and I know that hurt. I did not mean to but it is far better to have the truth and know it is the truth than to be told lies and only find out the truth when it is too late. All my life I believed certain things about my mum and dad only to find out I had been lied to all the time. Based on the lies I treated my Mother very badly and did not see her for years. Neither did my brother Tony. It broke her heart and destroyed her life. I have to live with that and with the knowledge that I broke up our own family. I hope you are old enough to understand and not make the same mistakes as I did. Ask Mummy about her relationship with her Mum and dad. It wasn’t perfect either. No ones ever is. You only make it better by talking and listening. All families have troubles but they come through them. Our family is no different. In Britain. 1 in 3 children are living with one parent. I now know many of those parents because that is the world I live in now. I don't know one single dad or mum who stops their child from seeing the other parent. I don’t know one child who after the dust settled was not keen to see both their mum and dad and enjoyed different things from being with each. I think you need a dad Harriet and I would like the chance (a second chance) to be the best dad that ever walked the earth.
I dream of taking you on holiday to wonderful places around the world. Of adventures and fun. Of days of laughter and tears of joy. Give me the chance to say sorry for all the pain and to make up for the time that has been stolen from us. These years are too precious to lose. Please let me share your life and be there for you.
With all my love as ever
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