Notes to self - 9/3/1999

I found this note in an old filofax. You probably have no idea what one of those is but it is the thing we used as a brain before smart phones for storing important info. This is a note following a therapy session I undertook back in 1999 some six years before I left and when you were just 3 years old.

Perhaps it gives some insight and helps you better understand the mental struggles that led to me no longer being in your life. These notes are as written.

Heavy session: sitting in 'Actors Retreat' with a glasswork of wine. 100m away from therapists.

Talked this evening about relationships: L and H, my self worth, marriage, needs emotional /physical.

Gave a real example for the 1st time tonight about me and H. my insecurity forcing her to grow up quickly. my fears about the world - my desire for her to grow up and stand on her own two feet quickly . Why?

-I won't be there for her?

-I had to learn the hard way to survive therefore she must?

ironic i haven't learned to survive sense reliance on others for my self esteem.

(Wife) - Like / dislike? love/ need?

I don't see that she might need me or even want me but actually she does (not physically) but emotionally more than ever. ( father gone / family no interest or effort) but I am not there. Put work before her - how does that make her feel My own sense of rejection physically making me withdraw.

What am i running away from?

ME - I can never run away from me. I am so take responsibility

Face up to what I am scared of.

Address the issues

Next week go deeper

I have an idealised view of life.

1. Fact: it is full of problems and pain Buddha " life is suffering"

therefore look for the good things not focus on the negative. Change mindset.

2. Delay gratification put important tasks first

3. The sins of the father....

4. Problem solving - take time / learn patience / take responsibility

I am a valuable person

I matter

I make a difference to others