I am sitting by the dying embers of a fire, in the firepit we built this summer, by a lake we created this summer, by a farm house we finished renovating this summer, next to a garage we built this summer. It is late and I am so exhausted and ache everywhere. Yet, I am at peace. I am surrounded by beauty.
The dogs are in bed. The fire competes with the stars for the brightest light in this darkness. No light pollution here.
The summer trees ( particular to Hungary) are competing with the frogs and the crackling of the fire for attention. They sound like rain.
The smell is of burning walnut branches.
I sit alone, contemplating life. All that I think of, is you. Whenever I pause, or stop to think; I am drawn inexorably back to this black hole in my life. Always back to you.
Where are you? What are you doing? Are you safe? Are you well? Will I ever see you again? Will I ever hear your voice? Are you married? Do you have children? If you do will you finally understand the unconditional love of a parent for a child? Every day, news of Covid; redundancies, furlough, price increases, shortages, etc. I imagine you struggling to make ends meet. Unwilling to reach out . Too proud, too ..... I don’t know. Just too fucked up / angry to connect. I wish I could reach you, connect with you , tell you how much you are loved and missed. How I would love you to be sat here now to listen to you to understand you , and what got us here. I wish you were in my life. It feels empty without you, Irrespective of how busy I make myself, how much I try to atone, or how many the years since I last saw you.
At 9, You were bright, curious, challenging and dare I say brilliant. I have no doubt that you will find this blog one day. When you do; please, please, please just call, message via this site or just turn up. knock on the door and expect nothing less than the Worlds longest biggest hug.
Have I mentioned, You are doing my head in. I so miss you, love you, and worry about you. Just send a sign of life at the very least. If that is too much to ask, then at least try to see past the propaganda, fake news, bullshit and reconnect with those friends that were suddenly persona non grata and ask yourself why that was? Sleep well. Be safe LNBH
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