Sanctuary

7 October 2017

When is a church not a church? When is a house a home?

What makes somewhere full of death so full of life; somewhere so full of sadness so full of joy?

The churchyard is silent. None of the hundred odd neighbours stir. Thank God. if they did I would be scared as the last was buried over a hundred years ago. All is tranquility and peace. The only sound the occasional squeak or mewl.

I came to this place seeking sanctuary. Where better than an old church. A place that through history one could seek solace, peace and safety from persecution. An apt place to try and rebuild my life. Equidistant from the Poole and Weymouth ferries to Jersey it would also minimise travelling time for weekends with you. Or so the plan went.

I distracted myself with the task of making a church a house; a home. I spent years of sweat and rivers of tears in creating a home from home for you. I succeeded in doing the same as I have with you over the years - a dream, a skeleton, a shell, a beautiful place in my mind but like you, no ability to bring you home or sense of this being home.

I realise now that i tried to create a safe place for you, a home you would loveland be tempted to stay in. What i created in reality was my own prison. No bars on the windows but thick walls which whilst they provided sanctuary also locked the World out. A final resting place for a General who fought at Balaclava; for a Private gassed and who died of his wounds in WW1. They chose this place as a tranquil place to rest and so did I. Why wouldn't you?

Looking out from the Tower, I have searched the horizon for a sign over the years. But by stages, I have slowly let go and realised that you will come not when the house was ready. Not when your bedroom was ready and not when I had been rebuilt and was ready. No only when you are ready. I have to hope that will be soon. 12 years is an eternity. My worst fear is that it will be only after i have joined the neighbours at rest with the moles passing by and occasionally saying hi.

This may sound melancholy but do not feel sad as for now this is not a church nor is it a prison. No longer is it the 'House of Gord' with its sole occupant dying a little more every day; missing you like I hope you will never know.

The show house has had some visitors who have tried to fit in and settle. Either they did not stay or were asked to leave by the Beast who dwelled within. For a while there was even a cat or two as I even tried to compensate for Delilah and Nikita.

Finally, I accepted you were not coming; that this was not my home but a prison I had created and I left. The Tower like me now experienced a new chapter as a rental property prized by Airbnbers as their little sanctuary for a weekend. It was filled with joy as others celebrated and shared a break from their busy lives. A haven of peace and quiet in beautiful Dorset countryside.

Meanwhile I not only escaped the Tower, I let go of the past, the present and the only other woman I could see myself growing old with who let me down as i did your mum(karma again) and I travelled to distant shores with no clue as to what the future held just a short term contract and a fresh start.

"If you seek new horizons you must first lose sight of the shore"

A new home in the sun whilst only temporary, it thawed the cold in my heart and calmed my anger and deep sense of injustice. It allowed me to distance myself, and was therapy for my head and healed the wounds in my heart.

Jumping forward to the present, The Tower now has a new chapter and it is one I intend to enjoy as long as it lasts. You never truly know what to expect on the next page but like any good story I don't want this to end.

If every chapter is a year then 12 chapters have passed since I was last 'at home' or knew what home was. They say home is where your heart is and it is so true. Harriet you are my heart. You were and are my sole purpose my raison d'être. Everything else has been peripheral, a vehicle or a story filler until now.

As I sit here now, the silence is not eerie or oppressive It is peaceful; it is in every sense tranquil. I am at peace finally. Why is that you might ask? There are number of reasons.

I watched you graduate 'live' on streaming tv. it felt like the end of a chapter in both our lives. I felt so very proud of you and at the same time pleased and hopeful that you could finally be free and fly away to find your own path, your own answers. Perhaps free of your past. I hope that one day your path might lead you here and back into my life; but that is a choice only you can and must make. I wish this not for myself but for you. At your graduation I watched you so very hard. I replayed the dvd i purchased over and over and saw not a happy young woman but the sad little girl who I failed so many years before. I saw a deep melancholy, an uncertainty alongside the determination, maturity beyond your years and independence of spirit I remember like it was yesterday. To see unhappiness and discomfort on such an occasion when there should have been only joy was shocking. Did I imagine this? Perhaps you are happy and loving life. perhaps you have processed the pain and trauma of the past and put it safely away in a box. If not then i have only one wish and that is that i can perhaps help you let go find closure and peace. Given it has taken me 53 years to deal with my own demons that might be a dream. Even if I can only help with one piece of the jigsaw I will gladly if it helps your pain and leads you to a better happier more content life.

I promised you once many years ago whilst sitting outside the cinema in TWells on one of our few times together after mum asked me to leave that I would never lie to you. I never have and I never will. so if you need/ want answers or to ask me anything I will tell you the truth. You deserve that after all you are now old enough handle it whereas the last time in the carpark I was told by your mother and by the judge you were not. As a child I was constantly lied to or treated as if I could not understand. I have always resented that and will never do to you what others have or what was done to me and caused so much suffering to me and by association to you.

I got off track there as we did all those years ago with bedtime stories. Do you remember ' up, down, sideways' when you used to chose the direction of our bedtime story. Up was when we shifted to the context or bigger picture; down was going into more intricate detail and sideways was when we moved to a parallel plot. So now sideways back to tranquility and why?

It is Sunday. Today the world is at peace and so am I. Connie is working and I am alone but not. Ruby our beautiful Working Cocker Spaniel and her seven gorgeous puppies are fast asleep. Just the occasional squeak or mewl. This house, this church is finally a home. Not my home and not your home although, I hope it will be one day. No. This is our home, for that is what it is. It is finally full of warmth, joy, happiness and love. What makes a house a home? Simply the love of a good woman. Home is where the heart is and I have finally learned to make space in my heart for someone else other than you. Your place is still there and fills my whole heart. You are the lifeblood that flows through it. Yet whilst the heart is full of blood it is a muscle that has finally started to grow strong again. it is no longer dying, atrified or full of pain and loss.

The Tower has been slowly filled with life. Plants and flowers our wonderful therapy dog Ruby. She shares with you those sad deep eyes that search your soul and as I write she is patiently feeding 7 gorgeous little bundles of joy.

I am writing with blurred vision as I used to when I last wrote in this journal. not this time from sadness or heartache but from an overwhelming feeling of love. However long the journey Harriet just remember it always turns out ok in the end After darkness there is a new dawn and light.

I love you, always have and always will. Thank you for teaching me so much about what is important in life. for making me whole and for being the best and most precious person in the universe. Make sure if and when you give someone your heart, they are someone who needs it, deserves it and loves you ore than you love yourself. If, like me, you are with a person you know loves you more than you feel you deserve and does not judge you; who gives their all to you you are with the right person.

It is time to let you go. To say goodbye to the dream. To live in hope but more importantly to live in the present and not the past. If you one day you choose to come say hi or even fuck you, you will make me very happy. If however we never meet again I can honestly say I have tried my hardest to repair the damage to be in your life and it is now up to you.

If you meet Connie after I am gone, treat her right. Try to get to know her and understand the father you had not the one you have grown up believing in Your mother always said the pen is mightier than the sword and history is written by the victor. Well maybe Connie can give you the alternative history either in what she gives you or in answering any questions you have.

Dad xxx