15 Dec 2008
….twas cold and dark and thick fog swirled about.
Well H this is a sad lonely Christmas. . A full year since I last laid eyes on you and almost two since I was asked to leave home. I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life. I pray every day that you will come to understand the reality of this situation and realise I still love you dearly and that I have not abandoned you. I believe that you both love me too. There is an old saying we only hurt the ones we love.
One day I know we will see each other again. I think it will only be once you are older and wiser and can make your own decisions. Maybe you are old enough now but cannot for fear of the consequences. That was the position I was in at your age so do understand that there is little you can do until you are older. I imagine you will be the last of your friends to have a mobile, or access to email. But you cannot be locked up for ever. One day you get your freedom and you must never again let it be taken from you. That is the worst thing in the world to cage something that should be free.
.
I hope you are happy and settled and not affected to much by all this. If not you should talk to your teachers. There is also childline and there is me. I will live the rest of my life waiting and hoping you will one day call or write or visit. Sadly I am unable to do any of these things for reasons beyond my understanding or control.
I so wanted to see you sing and to drop your presents off and meet with your teachers to hear your news. And find out all the wonderful things you will have done and achieved this year. Sadly I couldn’t, I missed my plane and lost my money on the tickets. I imagine how you will feel when you have no presents from me or think you have been forgotten. I cant imagine what you have been told and how much you really know or think you know. Just remember that the truth is out there when you choose to find it.
Your presents are wrapped up and sitting here Harriet I don’t know when they will get to you. They are too big and too precious to send in the post.
I hear you have had your hair cut short. I cant imagine what you look like! Would I recognise you if I passed you in the street? At this point in time Harri I don’t know if you will ever see me again. I hope and pray that you do. I don’t know why and I am sure she has her reasons whatever they are but I know mummy doesn’t want you to ever see me. Which makes it very difficult for you.
I had the same situation when I was your age so I do know how confusing it is and how torn in half you may feel. Know one thing we both love you more than anything in the world. You will always be the most precious thing in our lives and we both want what is best for you. Sadly we are human and don’t always know what that is or how to give it.
When you were young I knew that I wouldn’t always be there for you and you had to find your own path, to find your own way of doing things and to learn how to fight your own battles. My departure from your life was much sooner than is fair or right but I hope that some of the things we talked about and some of the insights along the way have been good and you have some lovely memories of better happier times as I do. I am reminded of them every day when I see Daddies with their daughters.
I am thinking of you, miss you more than I can say and wish you all the happiness in the world this Christmas.
When you eventually get your presents you will better understand and I hope you will have something you can pass onto your children and your childrens children.
Happy Christmas, sweet dreams and may all your wishes come true.
Love Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxx
Comentarios